Phuket

This is going to be a long one.

Our holiday was probably a pretty good length for a stay in Phuket. We stayed for 5 days and 4 nights, which was enough to see most of what the island had to offer, yet not enough to turn into the typical Phuket tourist.

Perhaps the most striking image of our holiday was the typical Phuket tourist. Topless, saggy, bronzed, German, rude, smoking, scantily-clad, numerous, oiled, Russian, uninhibited, prolific, sedentary, beer-swilling people positively covered Patong Beach where we were staying. Lindsay's first reaction when we reached the beach was, "Why isn't she wearing a top? Ewww! Why isn't she wearing a top? What's wrong with them? That's filthy!"

While I am aware that our North American prejudices can often be considered prudish, nobody can possibly say that they want to see overweight tourists in a thong and nothing else. I do admire the ingenuity of those who can stretch such small pieces of material over such vast expanses of flesh, but I feel a line must be drawn. While nature may have intended us to strut about clothed as when we were born, it likely did not intend for us to roll up the sides of a perfectly good bathing suit and tuck it in between the corpulent, jiggling halves of our posteriors. This deviant phenomenon occurs far too often on Patong beach.

As for Speedos, if you want to move through the water more quickly, why not attempt to eliminate the overhang? If you can't see your bathing suit, I don't think it will make you go faster. Before investing in a streamlined bathing suit, maybe you should also consider other ways of reducing drag like shaving your back hair.

It was pretty obvious from our initial reconnaissance that a trip to the beach in Patong comes at a price. Our first trip to the beach would not be our last, and the shenanigans of middle-aged Europeans can only deter one so much. It just took us a little by surprise the first day. There were just so many, and they were just so naked.

After we took in the beach on our first day, Lindsay and I ate lunch at a restaurant which we would find it difficult to find again. We then made our way back to the hotel, where we spent a while relaxing by the pool. In this action we avoided the crowds, but not the toplessness. After a swim and a shower, we went out for dinner. We'd looked around earlier and decided on a Mexican themed restaurant. The food was OK, but nothing special. There was a misunderstanding about happy hour rules and I ended up drinking four margaritas, instead of two.

As we left the restaurant I was fairly well lubricated and we proceeded to walk up the beach where we got into an argument over whether the light in the sky was a star or an airplane. Further down the beach a man settled our dispute when we realized he was selling lanterns, lighting them and sending them off into the sky. We immediately purchased one from him and enjoyed watching it float away. The crowds on the beach disperse before sunset and there was hardly anybody else on the beach with us. It was a very relaxing moment. We made our way back to our room, stopping abruptly here and there as I tried to take pictures of the crabs that were scurrying about.
The next day, we went to the beach. We laid in the sun, read, and went swimming. Lindsay was determined to go parasailing, since her dad had gone a few months earlier. I don't know how parasailing is done elsewhere, but in Phuket they start driving and then tell their client "Run!" It seems to work. After lunch, and a couple drinks we returned to our room, stopping at a swimwear store on the way where Lindsay bought a couple new bathing suits.
That evening we had dinner at a Rock and Roll themed restaurant. They had these giant statues set up outside, which didn't seem to fit the decor.I don't understand what Alien or Predator have to do with rock and roll. I guess it makes sense in Thailand. There were stores (that's plural) selling those statues. If I didn't know that this restaurant had these statues, I would probably still be wondering who would buy such odd things. Where do you put your giant statue of science fiction characters?

We did a little shopping after dinner. I managed to find a T-shirt that was not vulgar, which took quite a lot of effort. Lindsay bought a dress, and some fisherman pants.

On our way back to the hotel, we were accosted by some people. I say people because I am unsure of the correct nomenclature in this instance. A man is easy to call a man, and a woman is easy to call a woman. Those in between have various states, so it is difficult for me to discern exactly what to call these people whose history I don't know. This was not a hostile approach, but Lindsay and I were actually curious what their show they were advertising was like. They made us each take a photo with them and then asked us for a tip of 100 baht. For my photo, the one made me grab his or her breast. I then had to put our tip in their cleavage. I guess it's a living. We went back to the hotel, got massages and then headed back out. The show was OK, and some of the dancers were extremely feminine looking.


Just outside the place was a bathroom, which Lindsay wanted to use. I surveyed the surroundings and wanted to ask Lindsay if she could please hold on, but she had already gone in. I was uncomfortable and began to actively not make eye contact with anyone. But some people are persistent. In total, three people who were somewhere in between a man and a woman propositioned me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see some of the hedonism that was occurring in their stall; this alley was lined with stalls, each with a bar, and many with young ladies, or not-quite-ladies soliciting patrons to buy more. What they wanted the patrons to buy was generally left up to the imagination, although the people who propositioned me made it perfectly clear what was being offered. I'm not sure if they thought I was trying to negotiate, or if their English wasn't very good, but it seemed to take a while for them to understand the sentences, "My girlfriend is in the bathroom. I'm just waiting for her."

On the third day, we went on a sailing excursion. This was probably the highlight of the whole trip. We actually didn't sail all that much, but that didn't matter. We got to explore caves, eat lunch on the beach and just take in views of the islands. It was great. We have a lot of fantastic pictures. Lindsay was a little seasick at first, but after making an offering to the god of the sea over the stern, she was good to go with the aid of a little yellow pill.
According to our tour operator, Captain Mark, who was an Australian expatriate, the first cave we went to was a pirate cave. People have apparently gone there to search for buried treasure before. Captain Mark said that he has seen a ghost there before too. We didn't see any ghosts, but it was an interesting place. We had to go fairly soon after arriving because the tide was rising and the boat wouldn't fit through if we left it too long.

The next cave was called "The Ice Cream Cave". One of the formations inside resembles an ice cream cone. Just past the formation there was an opening into a hong, or lagoon, that was otherwise inaccessible, and did not have an exit.
After "The Ice Cream Cave", we went to another cave where there was a really beautiful hong. Captain Mark believed that both hongs were somehow connected, although he had never personally traversed this connection.

The final cave on the list was "The Bat Cave". Na na na na na na na na, Na na na na na na na na, Bat Cave! It wasn't Lindsay's favourite. There were a lot of bats. Lindsay thought bats were peeing on her, but it was really Captain Mark trickling water off a paddle. On the way to the bat cave, we saw this:
For lunch we went to a beach that was completely secluded. Captain Mark's cook served up some Thai food which was awesome. We chatted with the other people in our group and just relaxed. After lunch was over we returned to the boat and headed back to shore.

That evening we ate at an Arabic/Indian/Thai restaurant. The original reason for doing so was because they let you smoke a water pipe while you sit. They smelled really good. However, the food was also excellent. Lindsay said it was her favourite meal.

The next day we went on what we intended to be a tour of the island. The driver of what we thought was a touring vehicle didn't seem to believe that we wanted to see things on the island. We enjoyed going to Wat Chalong and a massive stone Buddha, but it felt like pulling teeth to get him to take us to the latter. After the Buddha he took us to what seemed to be some sort of theme park where you could watch monkey shows, snake shows, go elephant riding and shoot guns. I suppose that stuff would have been entertaining, but we didn't really want to do anything. We were more interested in sightseeing. After several unsuccessful attempts to get our driver to take us somewhere more interesting, we got him to take us back to our hotel. We could have been bitter about it, but we still got to see some cool things. We lazed about for the remainder of the day. I got a foot massage at the place next door while Lindsay got a manicure and pedicure.

Our last day, we went to the beach and relaxed before going off to get on the plane. Now we're back and have had a day of work. Some children weren't back yet. They're probably on extended Chinese New Year vacations.

I said this was going to be a long one and it was. There are probably many more details I could have provided, but that might take a whole other five days.